My Ignorant Robot Mother

Does anyone think my mother has any idea what goatse means?...

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 15:01:50 -0500

Does anyone think my mother has any idea what goatse means? Anybody?

There ya go, yesterday’s post, today’s post, and a BONUS post to make up for my forgetting to publish one yesterday!

Gibberish. Just gibberish. I don’t really understand what...

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 14:59:47 -0500

Gibberish. Just gibberish. I don’t really understand what she is trying to get across here.

But what I do love is hearing Naruto in my head at the end of it and imagining my mother as him.

Yatta!

How could I forget to post a MIRM yesterday! I am so sorry,...

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 14:57:04 -0500

How could I forget to post a MIRM yesterday!

I am so sorry, Internet.

I highly doubt she is talking (very grammatically incorrect) to all of those people about most likely loving their name, but then how did she manage to tweet at all of them? Were they all mentioned in the same tweet and she just hit reply all? Or did she really just copy and paste all of those names because they really all just suddenly stood out to her as really great and varied choices for a Twitter name.

To all of them, I’m sorry.

Have I compared one of her tweets to what it is like to get an...

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 18:01:25 -0500

Have I compared one of her tweets to what it is like to get an email from her?

Because this is a pretty accurate glance at what it is like.

The same email, again and again. Just slightly reworded. With something awkward put in. And about something completely inane.

You just need to add on all of her contact information, a bunch of links, an “inspiring” quote, a really long confidentiality notice, and one more quote for good measure.

Just printing her email signature would be about a whole page.

A bonus as it is related to yesterday’s post. Also, how...

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 17:16:48 -0500

A bonus as it is related to yesterday’s post. Also, how did I not mention her spelling Paula Deen’s name wrong? Worst commentator ever.

thedailywhat:

Salad of the Day: I’m just glad Jack LaLanne isn’t alive to see this.

[brittneygilbert / ladymisskate.]

When I first read this, I was trying to guess what MIH stood...

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 17:15:05 -0500

When I first read this, I was trying to guess what MIH stood for…

Molar-Incisor-Hypomineralisation?

Maximum Interior Humidity?

Master of International Health?

Men in Hats?

WAIT A MINUTE. How about Men WITHOUT Hats!

To men who live and a video that makes about as much sense as my mother.

PS: She meant Make It Happen. I assume in this sense.

Of ALL people to request a low carb episode from. This is...

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 14:44:59 -0500

Of ALL people to request a low carb episode from.

This is another one of those situations where my mother says something that I find hilarious without any intention or understanding whatsoever.

I am aware that this is a Maya Angelou quote, but the way she...

Fri, 21 Jan 2011 15:18:54 -0500

I am aware that this is a Maya Angelou quote, but the way she put it really makes me think she’s talking about going to someplace safe and thus feel like Maya Angelou. Because if I think of anything when I think of Maya Angelou, it is extreme safety.

To be fair, pretty sure my mother has absolutely no idea about Maya Angelou or her life.

Compelling reading, mother. Also, really worth sharing with the...

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 13:58:56 -0500

Compelling reading, mother.

Also, really worth sharing with the world.

PS: Sorry it has not been updating in a timely manner, I keep forgetting the queue option is busted for the time being.

My mother went through a… lentil spambot phase. She...

Tue, 18 Jan 2011 20:26:55 -0500

My mother went through a… lentil spambot phase. She retweeted essentially any mention of lentils. I intended to show screencaps of the many many pages of her doing so, but after 10 screenshots I grew weary and gave up. The above is just an example. Imagine that times about 20, if not more.

Instead, what I did was collect some highlights. The shot above has one of my favorites, “just call me neil!”, which has absolutely no reason to be retweeted by some stranger.

I’m sure whatever you made was delicious, Beth! If you’re a vegetarian, I have no idea since you are a STRANGER, I hope you are getting enough dietary supplements!

I also hope yours were delicious, Monica! Don’t tell Beth, but Lentils are REALLY good when you use chicken broth.

WHAT. FUCK YOU, ADRIAN. How did you get past my mother’s obviously stringent qualifications for lentil-related retweeting! YOU KNOW NOTHING.

Terra, they better be in your lentil-only pantry! That’s the only acceptable reason to keep your lentils in a fucking CLOSET and not ON your counter, getting ready to be shoved in a pot.

ANYWAY.

All strangers, all people talking to their friends, all people she just happened to find by looking up “lentils” on Twitter and pressing a hell of a lot of retweet buttons.

To everyone who my mother has bothered on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, forums, blogs, and through random emails, I’m sorry. She’s just a crazy bitch.

God fucking damnit, I am so sorry, Bill Corbett. Thank goodness...

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 13:12:31 -0500

God fucking damnit, I am so sorry, Bill Corbett.

Thank goodness she uses a fake name now that is unrelated to mine or I would feel even more compelled to apologize.

Also, what the shit.

I didn’t want to get TOO far from the holiday season...

Fri, 14 Jan 2011 13:00:42 -0500

I didn’t want to get TOO far from the holiday season without posting yet another of her holiday opinions.

Also, this is very much what the holidays are like with my family. And also why I don’t spend them there anymore.

Happy belated holidays, everyone! Remember to give to...

Fri, 14 Jan 2011 12:00:49 -0500

Happy belated holidays, everyone! Remember to give to underprivileged donkeys close to you as well. Think globally, act locally.

Also, be prepared for a second holiday-related post by my mother in an hour! OMG, TWO POSTS IN A DAY, SO LUCKY.

I have no. fucking. clue.

Thu, 13 Jan 2011 12:04:07 -0500

I have no. fucking. clue.

This gives you an idea of how well my mother comprehends much...

Wed, 12 Jan 2011 22:05:00 -0500

This gives you an idea of how well my mother comprehends much of anything.

More importantly, this brings up a great story about my mother. After graduating high school, I started dating a black guy. Not only should this be no big deal in an average way, but I spent the first 10+ years of my life in the low-income housing projects where we were the only white family. For what seemed like miles.

ANYWAY, I get sick. It is who I am. I was born this way. A few months into dating this dude, I complained about having a headache or something. I mentioned this in passing to my mother, who immediately and without skipping a beat, said “WELL, you do probably have AIDS.”

“SERIOUSLY. You really just said that! I… I don’t even know what to tell you to make you understand exactly how awful what you just said is! Or that I have to!”

“YOU should get tested because I’M probably right.”

PS, she was SURPRISINGLY not right. About SO MANY OTHER THINGS as well.

Twitter has actually already labeled my mother as a spambot for...

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 12:05:07 -0500

Twitter has actually already labeled my mother as a spambot for following 2000 people in a very short time and having almost no followers of her own. There are honestly PLENTY of other reasons she could be seen as a spambot, but that too is a pretty legit reason for restricting her.

Some excerpts from Twitter’s rules on this sort of thing…

“We try to make sure that none of our limits restrain reasonable usage, and will not affect most Twitter users.”

“but if you don’t follow or un-follow hundreds of users in a single day, and you aren’t using automated methods of following users, you should be fine.”

OMG, WELCOME TO THE MIRM. You can read the About page for some...

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 22:42:23 -0500

OMG, WELCOME TO THE MIRM. You can read the About page for some information but basically this is just a collection of the ridiculous things my mother tweets. This is just a tiny window into her world of appearing like a robot, but I hope you enjoy it. I also hope one day some of you are maybe the lucky very very many people who she has tried to friend on Facebook in the spammiest way and cause her to be yet again blocked from Facebook for getting reported as spam too often.

My mother, everyone.

ANYWAY, TWEET COMMENTARY AHOY.

I’m honestly not sure if her mind just changes movie titles in her head automatically.

Example: I made a backup copy of my A Little Princess DVD because she tended to steal my movies when I stilled lived at home and just leave them anywhere to get destroyed. Somehow, she got a hold of it before I could label it.

I eventually realized what “A Little Pickle’s Nest” was.